I hate you,
and I want you dead.
I'm sick of pretending that everything is ok,
when deep inside it's nothing but an ugly, dark, chaotic storm.
Sick of self-pity.
Sick of false hopes.
If a dark wish and an evil soul means salvation, sweet release;
then may Darkness & Evilness encompass me as long as there is breath in my lungs.
I long for your death,
for your reduction to nothingness
for your influence ceasing to exist.
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
Saturday, September 20, 2008
I Finally Suck
So most of you know that I’ve been taking driving lessons. I covered 9 lessons so far. That’s 9 solid hours of manual gear driving. So you must think that I got the hang of it by now . Right?. Well, think again; because I SUCK! Totally!
For the very first time in my life I am a slow learner. I had always been good at everything. Anything that involves studying or learning I excel in naturally and effortlessly without even studying properly. Well, now I officially announce that the era of Subhan always being the best at everything has come to an end. The legend has finally ceased to exist, unfortunately. Subhan is no longer good at everything . Alas, all good things come to an end. I have finally hit a wall.
Although it is a little bit frustrating not to master something immediately as I am usually used to, I am not that sad about me finally hitting a wall, Now this may sound crazy or egotistic to you, but I am actually sick of people always expecting the best out of me. This can be very frustrating you know. Therefore my recent failure seems to be liberating in a way. And so without further delay I would like to announce to the whole world that I am a very bad driver. That I am no longer good at everything. That I finally suck at something. That I would never trust myself alone in a car even if I had a valid license (which I honestly doubt I ever will if things keep on going the way they are). . Well, I guess now I know what it feels like to be o the other end of the spectrum.
Just today, my driving teacher (who is the coolest old man I have ever met) came to pick me up at 8 am. Today being a Saturday with fewer cars on the road at this time of day, I kindly asked him to allow me to drive inside the city roads rather than the roads surrounding Amman. He agreed and I set towards Gardens and Al Madina Al Monawara St. As soon as I started driving in those roads I regretted this move. Other users of the streets kept honking their horn repeatedly and vigorously at me (even though the car I was driving clearly has the “lesa tais” sign). Yup, that’s how bad I was driving. I kept driving in the middle of the street and I would shift from one lane to another unknowingly ( I lose control over the steering when I’m trying to change the gear). And don’t even get me started on how to change gears backwardly. Merely thinking about it gives me a headache.
After I miraculously got the hell away safely from the somewhat busy roads of the city, I started driving in the older street leading to Jerash as my teacher had to get to a place called “Ain Al Basha” to pick up the guy who’s lesson starts after me. We got there and my lesson was up and don’t-know-what‘s-his-name started driving. I was very impressed with the way he was driving. And I immediately thought this has got to be one of his final lessons. So I asked my teacher “how many lessons has he had?” ,“12” his reply was. You can not imagine the amount of my astonishment at this reply. He only had 3 more lessons than I had yet he drives so much better than I do. In fact, there is no room for comparison between the way I drive and he does. I said this to my teacher and he said “yeah, that’s normal. He’s a guy, You’re a girl”.
I really don’t know whether to believe that or not. Guys are better drivers. Everyone seem to have a solid conviction that guys can actually drive better. Personally, I have noticed that yes guys do drive better. I can’t acknowledge it though. Somehow I feel like acknowledging such a fact would make me a “sexist”, even if I do believe in it subconsciously. So unless there is a scientific explanation that is based on genetic or physical facts to justify this conviction, my public stand on this issue will remain skeptical :P
I wonder if I will ever get better at driving. Because so far I have shown very little improvement. Wish me luck everyone!
Syaman Makbolan Wa Iftaran Shahyan
Adios!
For the very first time in my life I am a slow learner. I had always been good at everything. Anything that involves studying or learning I excel in naturally and effortlessly without even studying properly. Well, now I officially announce that the era of Subhan always being the best at everything has come to an end. The legend has finally ceased to exist, unfortunately. Subhan is no longer good at everything . Alas, all good things come to an end. I have finally hit a wall.
Although it is a little bit frustrating not to master something immediately as I am usually used to, I am not that sad about me finally hitting a wall, Now this may sound crazy or egotistic to you, but I am actually sick of people always expecting the best out of me. This can be very frustrating you know. Therefore my recent failure seems to be liberating in a way. And so without further delay I would like to announce to the whole world that I am a very bad driver. That I am no longer good at everything. That I finally suck at something. That I would never trust myself alone in a car even if I had a valid license (which I honestly doubt I ever will if things keep on going the way they are). . Well, I guess now I know what it feels like to be o the other end of the spectrum.
Just today, my driving teacher (who is the coolest old man I have ever met) came to pick me up at 8 am. Today being a Saturday with fewer cars on the road at this time of day, I kindly asked him to allow me to drive inside the city roads rather than the roads surrounding Amman. He agreed and I set towards Gardens and Al Madina Al Monawara St. As soon as I started driving in those roads I regretted this move. Other users of the streets kept honking their horn repeatedly and vigorously at me (even though the car I was driving clearly has the “lesa tais” sign). Yup, that’s how bad I was driving. I kept driving in the middle of the street and I would shift from one lane to another unknowingly ( I lose control over the steering when I’m trying to change the gear). And don’t even get me started on how to change gears backwardly. Merely thinking about it gives me a headache.
After I miraculously got the hell away safely from the somewhat busy roads of the city, I started driving in the older street leading to Jerash as my teacher had to get to a place called “Ain Al Basha” to pick up the guy who’s lesson starts after me. We got there and my lesson was up and don’t-know-what‘s-his-name started driving. I was very impressed with the way he was driving. And I immediately thought this has got to be one of his final lessons. So I asked my teacher “how many lessons has he had?” ,“12” his reply was. You can not imagine the amount of my astonishment at this reply. He only had 3 more lessons than I had yet he drives so much better than I do. In fact, there is no room for comparison between the way I drive and he does. I said this to my teacher and he said “yeah, that’s normal. He’s a guy, You’re a girl”.
I really don’t know whether to believe that or not. Guys are better drivers. Everyone seem to have a solid conviction that guys can actually drive better. Personally, I have noticed that yes guys do drive better. I can’t acknowledge it though. Somehow I feel like acknowledging such a fact would make me a “sexist”, even if I do believe in it subconsciously. So unless there is a scientific explanation that is based on genetic or physical facts to justify this conviction, my public stand on this issue will remain skeptical :P
I wonder if I will ever get better at driving. Because so far I have shown very little improvement. Wish me luck everyone!
Syaman Makbolan Wa Iftaran Shahyan
Adios!
Friday, September 19, 2008
It All Starts now!
Hey Ya’ll!
If you are a friend of mine, then you already know that I talk A LOT! If you are a close friend, however, then you most probably know that despite my nonstop 24/7 ongoing chit-chats, I hardly ever express my feelings or inner thoughts, but I have always kept it all to myself. You also probably know that I’ve always had a hard-time expressing myself properly. I always end up being misunderstood.
Well, lately I realized that I need an outlet where I can talk about the little things that go through my head and never find their way out. And because I know perfectly well that I express myself far better in writing than in face-to-face communication, I decided to make this blog. Here, I will be posting random things that go through my head: my feelings, opinions, what’s happening in my life, things I come across and find interesting, or even a joke I heard and think is funny!
This will be a good test for my level of commitment though. I gotta be honest with you all, I am somewhat scared of not updating this blog on a regular basis or even totally forgetting about it. I am even more scared of giving up on it because I am not and was never comfortable with sharing my inner thoughts with people (hopefully this blog will help to eliminate that) . And let’s face it! I am not the kind of person who has so much going on in their life to talk about! I do have an idea of the type of things I should post here . However, I have no idea where the substance will be coming from! So the outcome of this blog should be interesting.
Stay tuned and hopefully I will be updating this soon :)
Do not hesitate to leave your comments!
If you are a friend of mine, then you already know that I talk A LOT! If you are a close friend, however, then you most probably know that despite my nonstop 24/7 ongoing chit-chats, I hardly ever express my feelings or inner thoughts, but I have always kept it all to myself. You also probably know that I’ve always had a hard-time expressing myself properly. I always end up being misunderstood.
Well, lately I realized that I need an outlet where I can talk about the little things that go through my head and never find their way out. And because I know perfectly well that I express myself far better in writing than in face-to-face communication, I decided to make this blog. Here, I will be posting random things that go through my head: my feelings, opinions, what’s happening in my life, things I come across and find interesting, or even a joke I heard and think is funny!
This will be a good test for my level of commitment though. I gotta be honest with you all, I am somewhat scared of not updating this blog on a regular basis or even totally forgetting about it. I am even more scared of giving up on it because I am not and was never comfortable with sharing my inner thoughts with people (hopefully this blog will help to eliminate that) . And let’s face it! I am not the kind of person who has so much going on in their life to talk about! I do have an idea of the type of things I should post here . However, I have no idea where the substance will be coming from! So the outcome of this blog should be interesting.
Stay tuned and hopefully I will be updating this soon :)
Do not hesitate to leave your comments!
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