To Love or not to Love? That is the Question!

Today was nice. Nothing good in particular happened but it was good nonetheless. You may wonder why. Well, my guess is as good as yours. I have absolutely no idea. This has been happening a lot lately; feeling bad for no apparent reason and good for no apparent reason. A friend of mine put it nicely "It's cause you're a schizo!", he said. I suppose he's right. I am a schizo. In fact, I think we all are!

Ok, I'm drifting from my original intention in writing this post. Excuse me! I tend to that sometimes.

Oh yes, today... Today as I was with some friends, one of them (today was the first time I ever have a conversation with her) was telling me about her relationship; a magnificent love story that's been going on for four years. It's quiet fascinating actually; would work perfectly for a Hollywood romance movie. You see, the boyfriend is Spanish, and they only met twice in those four years! And yet, by some great force and magic they are so in love and bla bla bla. I liked the story, and was really interested to know the details. But, yes there is a but. But, it sounded too romantic and too unrealistic to be true. I mean, here I am sitting listening to a love story that is by no means fake and all I'm thinking is: "naah, this is too good to be true! This can never and will never work out. Pffttt, he probably doesn't even love her to begin with!"

This idea kept hovering inside my head all day. It was then that I realized how ugly and perhaps too realistic this thought is. It really made me question myself. What happened to the romantic me? When did I stop believing that love does exist? Not so long ago, I was determined that one day I'm going to meet the love of my life and live happily ever after. What? Too naive an idea? Yes I thought so! Well, don't judge me; I am not that pathetic nowadays. I guess it's called growing up and facing REALITY.

See, these last statements that I just made are exactly what I am talking about. I honestly think it's dangerous; living life without hope. And I'm not only talking about "love." I recently found myself becoming pessimistic and always expecting the worst from people. And I know this is neither healthy nor good.

I repeat my question again: when did this happen? Why did this happen? And most importantly, how did this happen? It just doesn't make sense! I've never been heartbroken before! (Well, maybe a little). Why is it that I never believe any display of affection directed towards me? This has to have a reason, and perhaps one day I'll get to find the reason. If perhaps, I started seeing a shrink (whom I know some of you right now think that I need to!) and he or she asked me to dig up past experiences and situations, then perhaps we may find the source of it all. You know, all that shrinks crap!

So is it appropriate to say that "I don't believe in love"? Do I fit the category of none believers? I remember once reading an argument made by someone to ridicule another who did not believe in metaphysics. The argument said "It's just like someone denying the existence of China just because he never went to China." Is this what's happening to me? Is this why I always poke fun at love stories? Is it that I am merely denying its existence because I never actually been there? Perhaps, but what I know is that I want to believe in it. Because after all, it's just too sad going through life without experiencing such a feeling, that is if it actually does exist.

It's not that I am not capable of love; I know that I love my family for instance. I surely love my mother, nephews and niece, and my friends. But the question is does this count?

It's not that I never had feelings for anyone. But when I really think of it, it seems that I always question my feelings and push them aside. I acknowledge them but I never give them room for growth. I always brush them off as "imaginary" and "not the real deal". Maybe it's just that I am the practical kind. But why is it then that a good romance movie brings tears to my eyes? Is it that I do believe in it but lost faith of me finding it? But then, why won't I allow for my feelings to grow? They are there, I see them, feel them, have to deal with them everyday, but why do I always brush off the idea and suppress them?

R's story was really nice. I really do wish her happiness with her "beloved." And most importantly, I wish that some answer would fall from the sky and annihilate all this wondering and confusion.

Hmm, I really wonder if this should be published or kept private. I know some of you will give me a hard time about this! Well, bring it on!